The Virtuous Leader: The Real Risks of Authenticide
The Virtuous Leader: The Real Risks of Authenticide
Not asking the in service of what question can lead to Authenticide, which can end relationships for a period of time or forever.
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“Since taking on this new role, I’ve been overwhelmed and have had to let a lot of things go. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I’ll let you know if I want to set a time to talk.”
As I read this email I could feel the author’s anger and sense his frustration. This highly polite and respectful email reply was papering over the fact that I had really stepped in it. I had turned his recent promotion into an opportunity to ring the cash register, as opposed to a celebration of his accomplishments.
My client was recently appointed to the role of his dreams. He had worked decades to get there. He had sacrificed so much to get this far. He had taken risks that pushed him, and at times his family, to the brink. And it had all worked out.
But none of that was in my awareness at the time. Instead, I saw a rocket ship taking off, and I considered myself a first-class passenger on the journey.
Yet, not only did I fail to receive a first-class ticket… I never got on the ship. I was left on the launch pad.
I had been one of his Trusted Advisors. I was becoming just another self-oriented vendor in his world. I didn’t talk to him again for another 16 years.
It wasn’t due to greed—but I had committed one of the most egregious relationship sins: Authenticide.
Authenticide means the following: An ill-timed or ill-conceived act of disclosure that ends a meaningful relationship.
Authenticide is bad for business. I had invested years in this relationship. I was there for him in a number of ways. He regularly thanked me for my support and shared this praise with others around him.
And my grand payoff for this commitment to my client was zero, nothing.
I was confused and distraught. Our coaching relationship was developed on a foundation of candor and openness. I was a voice of clarity for him.
He had even previewed some ideas about our future work in his new role. Didn’t I have a reasonable expectation that he would engage with me on all these future possibilities from day one? All I did was remind him of these conversations after not hearing back from him. Was that wrong to do?
These were the questions streaming through my mind.
I became despondent. I started to question lots of fundamental assumptions about my style and approach.
Sadly, it didn’t stop there. My authenticide problem got worse.
“Hello… you still there?” I asked my good childhood friend. I was sitting in the Philadelphia airport and had poor cell coverage.
I still didn’t hear anything.
“Nope, I’m here.” my friend finally answered. His tone was curt and clipped. “Well, I gotta run. Let’s catch up later.” he blurted out.
I had just told my friend that I was disappointed that he had not asked me to be his best man at his recent wedding. I didn’t talk to him for the next 11 years.
As a person who prided himself on highly developed relationship and communication skills, I was starting to question my entire self-concept.
I stopped giving direct feedback for a while.
Both of these examples are absurd in their own ways. And with distance and hindsight, they both seem misguided and self-destructive.
But, in both cases, I was operating rationally and based on principle. I had grown up in a family that prized truth telling. I was in a professional field that rewarded directness. I felt a personal commitment to authenticity.
So, what wasn’t working?
I wasn’t asking myself the most important question before giving difficult feedback: In service of what?
Why was I delivering uncomfortable feedback to these people in my life? What was the purpose of the action?
Let’s break it down.
Client feedback situation:
He was taking on a new and expansive role.
He was going through a complicated and lengthy transition period.
I was excited about the opportunity for me and my work as a result his promotion.
I wanted to get started right away.
He hadn’t directly asked for help or support in his new role.
I told him that I was disappointed that he hadn’t responded to my initial emails requesting a call.
Analysis:
In service of what? My professional opportunity.
Consequence: he no longer saw me as a support but rather a self-oriented figure looking to benefit from his success.
Authenticide complete.
Friend feedback situation:
My friend made a difficult decision about whom to ask to be in his wedding party.
While he asked me to stand up for him, he selected a different friend as his best man, for reasons known only to him.
My feelings were hurt.
I resented the choice he made and was jealous of the other friend who wound up being best man.
I vented this frustration to my good friend who had made a difficult decision but one he thought best for his situation.
Analysis:
In service of what? Hurt my friend because he hurt me.
Consequence: he felt judged and called out for a decision that he didn’t need to justify and for sadness in me that he couldn’t fix.
Authenticide complete.
The obvious conclusion here is that I put my needs ahead of important people’s needs in my life. It’s not that there is anything wrong with how I felt. In both cases, I had reason to believe that my experience would be different than it was.
Not receiving email replies from my client was indeed disappointing.
Not being asked to play the role of best man was hurtful.
Yet these disappointing and hurtful experiences were mine to bear. It was not the responsibility of my client or my friend to hold and manage my sadness. That was my work to do.
And when I crossed that line—making my unresolved sadness and frustration theirs to fix—I diminished my own standing in their eyes and took myself out of relationship.
Please pause before giving confrontational feedback to someone important in your life. The key is to ask in service of what? If the answer is all about you—or if the intention seems questionable—consider holding off.
Finally, I’ll end on a positive note.
About six months ago I invited a new friend out for drinks and dinner with a group of buddies. They all knew me and each other, so my new friend was the addition. I thought that he would mix well with the group and that there might even be some professional opportunities down the road.
My new friend joined the group. He came on strong. He talked too much and even asked questions that seemed inappropriate.
The next day I approached this new friend and asked him if he was open to feedback. He said yes. I told him the following.
Drinks and dinner were fun.
He communicated in some ways that were surprising.
Talking about how much everyone earns is not something that these group members have ever discussed in the 10 years I’ve known them.
I want him to know this because I think he can be a member of this friendship group, so I want him to know the concerns that I had.
He was shaken at first. He apologized and asked if he needed to clean this up by apologizing to the group. I said no.
He insisted and again offered to clean things up. He even asked if I would still consider him a friend.
I told him that I still consider him a friend, and that I wouldn’t spend time giving tough feedback like this to people who aren’t important to me.
He ended up thanking me and giving me a big hug.
Summary
Authenticide means the following: An ill-timed or ill-conceived act of disclosure that ends a meaningful relationship.
Telling your truth in the moment isn’t always the best approach.
With authenticity, it’s easy to fall into self-justifying logic.
Asking in service of what? is the best way to validate your intentions for delivering confrontational feedback.
Not asking the in service of what question can lead to Authenticide, which can end relationships for a period of time or forever.
When you get authenticity right, it’s powerful.
My main source of inspiration for this project is the following list of Stoic Virtues. Ryan Holiday has done some of the best contemporary work on applying these principles to modern life. Here is a short summary of definitions.
Wisdom: In the Stoic sense, wisdom is about knowing what is within our control and what is not, and acting accordingly. It involves practical wisdom or 'phronesis', which is the ability to navigate complex situations in a logical, informed, and calm manner. Holiday often emphasizes the importance of perspective, clear thinking, and learning from both success and failure.
Courage: This is not just physical bravery but also includes moral courage – the courage to stand up for what is right, to speak the truth, and to face difficulties, challenges, and uncertainties. Holiday interprets this as the strength to endure adversity and the willingness to act despite fear or doubt, staying true to principles and values.
Temperance: Often understood as self-control or moderation, temperance for Holiday is about finding balance and avoiding excesses. It's the ability to exercise restraint and manage our desires and impulses in a healthy, balanced way. This virtue is key in maintaining self-discipline and focus, particularly in a world filled with distractions and temptations.
Justice: In Stoicism, justice isn't just legal justice but encompasses fairness, kindness, and social responsibility. Holiday views this as the practice of treating others with fairness and respect, being honest and virtuous in dealings with others, and contributing positively to society. It’s about doing the right thing, not just for oneself but for the greater good.